Sunday, January 11, 2009

I don't really think a lot of people are going to read this... and that is fine by me :). Really, I just sort of want to rant and sort out my thoughts... knowing that God made me human, that I have human emotions and that God is still God and He loves me... and even if other people believe that I do not want to glorify God with my whole being... His thought is what matters. By saying that I don't mean to say that I don't think that people, by seeing me, would think that I was not trying to glorify God with my life, I surely hope that people DO see God... with every smile... every word and every breath I breathe!!! It's more of I have been accused of not glorifying God (without people asking me... or even talking to me), and people making assumptions about me that were (are) false. This is me saying I am sick of it... tired... hurt... and am seeking comfort. I need God... I have God. I am satisfied in Him... but I am sorting through my life and realizing that my emotions are NOT bad. They are reactions to what has happened to me... the problem comes in when I do not take it to God. This is me... admitting that I AM HUMAN... I HAVE EMOTIONS... and that YES I am seeking to give them to God. Whether or not you judge me for my emotions hardly matters. If you love me as a person... know me well enough to bring concerns to me that is fine... but if it is not done in love... your concern will fall on a wounded heart like burning oil. Sure, it might help... but it'll be more painful than if you had tenderly reached out with clean bandages and soft words.

I am hurt... hurt by what has happened to me and my family and those I hold dearly in my heart.
I am angry at what has happened... the WRONG things that have been done...
God has given me the ability to still love, but believe me, it hurts to love... and there is always a struggle to love... not because I do not want to... but when you go to love someone who continually strikes at you or what they did left such a scar that when you remember anything its like rubbing salt in the wound.
I am sad... incredibly sad that people could be the way they are... but who am I to judge? I am NOT. I know that without God I DO NOTHING good. "Every good gift and perfect gift comes from above." I am SAD. Not CONDEMNING. Do I NOT have a right to be sad over wrong doing?
My heart aches... is this wrong?

I can SEE when there is sin and wrong doing... can you call someone who has been stabbed in the back the victim? The one who 'has a certain perspective and doesn't know the whole story'?

I am praying... praying over and over again for love, hope, comfort.
Forgive me if I am being selfish for praying for the comfort first.

This is not a rant for me to get attention... it simply helps to 'get it out'

praying that God would lead me to the 'side of still waters'... where His grace and love and purity may pour over all of me.
Not so much for me... but for those I am affecting. I do not wish to bring you down... but to point you to Christ. Please pray that I would be restored... healed... so that instead of burdening you I may help you.


Mattea K. said...

Thanks for the comment Dell :D I would love to run with you and do cartwheels with you :D :P

Also....check out Lem. 3:21-41

Those verses have really been exhorting/encouraging to me.....

There's ALWAYS hope! Even when it seems like there can't be!

love love love!

sherlock said...

Here is one person who read this rant.

damaris said...

i am praying for you love.

God did create emotions, and coming from me taht is a big deal! (i tend to be the "all emtion in me is evil and cannot be trusted" girl.)

you are right--the feelings in of themselves are not sinful, it is what we do with/out of those feelings. and it sounds to me like you ARE trying to give them to God and have a response that glorifies Him. He will give you grace. And remember that NOTHING that happens to us, happens without God's loving hand bringing it. Even if it looks horrendous, He is up to something good.
he will be with you.

Andrew said...

A lot of people will always think badly of you (and me too) no matter what... and you're right not to worry about it, I wish I could worry about it less....

And there is nothing wrong with feeling emotions either... they will come... and I've been trying to be more in peace in spite of them this past year. There were things that were done wrong (not that there haven't always been bad things done) and it's not bad to feel bad about them.

Where I would caution a lot of people though, is that we don't use the fact that bad things have happened as an excuse for bad things that we ourselves are currently doing. I don't want to offend anyone or minimize anyones hurt, but I can't help but be afraid that a number of people have become a bit too good at playing the victim - and are refusing to deal with real problems because of how much they have been hurt, even if there is no direct link between the two.

Delian said...

totally in agreement... definitely not trying to hide in a 'i'm a victim' stage of really is my desire to pursue God... in all that I do...

but that's a very good point... totally agreed.

Anonymous said...

I read this

Anna said...

I read this. :) And it was amazing.
I'm sooo sorry that person did that. I know how it is...and I know that you're having a hard time with all this. IS hard to love after you've been hurt and stabbed SO many times...over and over and over again...
When I was dealing with this...I just kept reminding myself that I am one who stabbed God and hurt him time after time...and he still loves me.
That doesn't mean that it's healthy to always stay around that person and put yourself through more pain...if it's not a healthy relationship and you are getting pulled down by it more and more...then it's probably time to pull away and let that person move on. I know you well enough to know that even if this does'll still love. :) Because you're awesome and amazing like that. :)
Let's talk...k? Coffee or something this week? :)

Anonymous said...

you seem like a very cool person and one who is a christian too


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