Sunday, January 11, 2009

I don't really think a lot of people are going to read this... and that is fine by me :). Really, I just sort of want to rant and sort out my thoughts... knowing that God made me human, that I have human emotions and that God is still God and He loves me... and even if other people believe that I do not want to glorify God with my whole being... His thought is what matters. By saying that I don't mean to say that I don't think that people, by seeing me, would think that I was not trying to glorify God with my life, I surely hope that people DO see God... with every smile... every word and every breath I breathe!!! It's more of I have been accused of not glorifying God (without people asking me... or even talking to me), and people making assumptions about me that were (are) false. This is me saying I am sick of it... tired... hurt... and am seeking comfort. I need God... I have God. I am satisfied in Him... but I am sorting through my life and realizing that my emotions are NOT bad. They are reactions to what has happened to me... the problem comes in when I do not take it to God. This is me... admitting that I AM HUMAN... I HAVE EMOTIONS... and that YES I am seeking to give them to God. Whether or not you judge me for my emotions hardly matters. If you love me as a person... know me well enough to bring concerns to me that is fine... but if it is not done in love... your concern will fall on a wounded heart like burning oil. Sure, it might help... but it'll be more painful than if you had tenderly reached out with clean bandages and soft words.

I am hurt... hurt by what has happened to me and my family and those I hold dearly in my heart.
I am angry at what has happened... the WRONG things that have been done...
God has given me the ability to still love, but believe me, it hurts to love... and there is always a struggle to love... not because I do not want to... but when you go to love someone who continually strikes at you or what they did left such a scar that when you remember anything its like rubbing salt in the wound.
I am sad... incredibly sad that people could be the way they are... but who am I to judge? I am NOT. I know that without God I DO NOTHING good. "Every good gift and perfect gift comes from above." I am SAD. Not CONDEMNING. Do I NOT have a right to be sad over wrong doing?
My heart aches... is this wrong?

I can SEE when there is sin and wrong doing... can you call someone who has been stabbed in the back the victim? The one who 'has a certain perspective and doesn't know the whole story'?

I am praying... praying over and over again for love, hope, comfort.
Forgive me if I am being selfish for praying for the comfort first.

This is not a rant for me to get attention... it simply helps to 'get it out'

praying that God would lead me to the 'side of still waters'... where His grace and love and purity may pour over all of me.
Not so much for me... but for those I am affecting. I do not wish to bring you down... but to point you to Christ. Please pray that I would be restored... healed... so that instead of burdening you I may help you.