Tuesday, December 09, 2008

wow. Its 9:15ish I am still in 'bed' (i have been sleeping in the library on the futon mattress).
Dem and I watched "return to me" last night. CUTE movie! =D. Definitely almost cried a million times through it... and laughed a million times more. hahaha.

This weekend was fun. We went to sparkle... hahahaha the 'vamp' event... were dem still found a billion of wolves. lol.
It was sooo cold! o my gosh, but worth it cause I laughed a lot and got to go on my date with Kaela! =D.

Let me tell you about Kaela. :). (don't get mad at me girl).
Kaela is a girl who has been growing into you a young woman as of late. Her jokes are hilarious, her attitude to die for (ok... play on words a little bit :P). The hugs she gives are priceless. And quite frankly I just love being around her! (also she plays piano amazingly well!!! Trust me, I went to her recital and pretended i was sitting on the bench next to her).

So I got to walk down market street with her and neeki and anna and abram and dem and schwa. (also, Anna took a horrible pic of me!). *sticks out tongue*

I got funnel cake... MMM wonderful!

Afterwards jarred dem and I had to wait outside on the curb while schwa took the e kids home. It was creepy. Crows flew above our heads... like... hundreds of crows, landing in the trees surrounding us. Definitely creepy. But fun :).

Sunday... oo sunday. lol.
I got up and immediately went to find Orleans (the best dog on the earth!) and found her out on the couch and sat down to cuddle with her and read my Bible. After reading my Bible I began reading the book I am going through.

Discussion during fellowship later however was great...
worship was mindblowing.
Everything we sang and all the words of encouragement seemed to be directed at me.
Especially one my mum read and i still can remember what she said that struck me hardest and almost moved me to tears.
"Be at peace in the purity His love has given you"

how can I be condemned in that???

Afterwards we played football. lol. little to no injuries and it was fun!! =D.
Also I felt very... uncordinated which was very weird...
i fell off the piano bench (which has NEVER happened)
and i tripped going up the stairs.
Whatever is wrong with me needs to stop now. lol. i did not like it.

In any case. I need to get a headstart on today.

breathinf for the glory of God.


Thursday, December 04, 2008

Life has it's ups and downs... all you gotta do is roll with the punches.

It's one of my 'sayings' and I say it a lot. Right now though it either seems like I'm rolling a lot, or forgetting to and ending up with bloody noises and black eyes.

I know for a fact that I have a faithful God... who is in perfect and absolute control over my life...
I know that He loves me... unconditionally...
However, I know when I'm struggling, and I am... I feel like God's placed me in the rapids before I was conditioned and trained to swim to shore.

I know I need to rest in His grace... which is my source of strength... and I know I am not. It hurts to say, but I am not.

There are days when I am tired, downcast and feeling void of any good that I have done...
and I realize now, as I always do, that it's because I am resting on my own strength, not God's.

I know what my desires are... even though I am continually running after different things...
My first and foremost desire is GOD
My second are the people I love. My family, my friends.
I wish to help them... to see them through life...

but I am very selfish and both of these desires are difficult to fulfill... and it seems as if I have not been to any extent at all in the past few weeks.

I struggle with letting people help me... not because I don't want it... but because I continually dwell on the idea that I don't deserve it... not that that's what matters... its not like I deserve God either, and most of the time I am more than willing to lean on Him and let Him help me... but not other people. Why? Perhaps because I don't realize that God is using them to reach out to me... maybe because I don't realize that it might bless them to help me rather than 'bog them down'. (Which is one of my greatest struggles... I am in a continual state of scrutinizing myself, making sure I don't... bother people... specifically people I love). I think it's wrong to do this... and I'm not sure what to do to right my attitude.

Again... I know that I must rest in His grace...
but sometimes I wish that there was less resting and more training... so that when life decides to throw a punch, I know how to defend myself.

I want to desire God more than anything
and to do what He wants no matter what I feel

but right now I would love to be irrevocably in love with my Savior and to wish only to do His bidding... instead of getting caught up in my own little scruples.