Thursday, August 26, 2010

My life in a quick nutshell


OK. So it's not totally crazy, but it feels like it. I seriously feel like a mom whose not ready to be a mom yet! Cause I'm not! DJ won't eat dinner most of time...and it beats me how to get him to eat. Rewards to punishments, it doesn't matter...he is so much LIKE I WAS. hahaha. So, I have no idea what to do about that.

Work has been picking up, which is good, I just wish we were getting better tips :/ *sighs* people please love me. hahahaha. No. Seriously. I need to feed people.

I read Blink of an Eye again by Ted Dekker. O. My. Gosh. I love that book! It intrigues me like no other book I've ever read! Not only have I always been slightly obsessed with Saudi Arabia's history, but also with getting to the real root of who God is and what religion is.

God is love.
Religion is (seemingly, usually based in) power.
People who love are of God.
People who are of power are of themselves.

This book screams of love, REAL faith, and the power of prayer...that part gets me everytime! How Seth is able to look at Clive and say (I'm para-phrasing) 'after I prayed someone changed the possible futures I see, so what I'm saying is that prayer may be one of mankinds most powerful tools'
What a concept! It moves me to think of this.
Then when Miriam confronts Seth and tells him that just because he can't see the possible futures in his mind doesn't mean that they don't exist, and it doesn't mean that the only way they will succeed is if he knows what to do, because God knows...and He can lead us into the best future for us.
this gives me hope!

So, those are some of my thoughts.
I want to love you as myself
I want to trust God with undeterred faith.
I want to pray, knowing that God is all powerful and to be moved by this!

But...moving on.
For modeling, Jim is hopefully going to be free after this week (YAY!) and then we will arrange a time for a photoshoot (probably sometime in September!) and then we'll get started! I'm really going to go after this! Giving it all I got...putting energy, time, and prayer into it. I want this. I'm going to go after it. And at the same time I want to be led by God. I want to rest in His undying love for me, His unending grace that renews me EVERY time I seek it. Ah, I wish I sought it more! That I swam in it every day. Today, today I have decided that my life will be changed. I will love you as myself, I will trust God with my whole life. And I will fully acknowledge (to all the extent that I can!) that it is because of His love for me that I can. O! and how He loves me...

The other day Josh and I went to the Y to work out, and for some reason I felt led to turn to this song. I think this is when God started moving in me this week. I almost cried with gratefulness...feeling closer to God than I had in so long...knowing that this was real worship, and it hadn't come about because of me! It was all because of God :)

"Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other"

So, with that, I rest my life in God's hands!
His loving tender hands...!

~Delian Jayce
P.S. God, if by any chance this is a possibility, I would totally love to play the role as Aravis from Horse and His boy and/or Miriam from Blink of an Eye...
:) <3

Friday, August 13, 2010

Hi everyone!

Has anyone seen Night at the Museum? If you haven't great sadness, if you have, well, then you'll understand my post :).

Starring in this remarkable movie is Amelia Earhart (played by Amy Adams). Throughout the whole movie her goal is to teach Larry that life is meant to be lived not just frowned through, but really and truly lived...she called it 'moxy'. She once tells Larry that he's lost his moxy...

well, me too.

I've gotta get it back. Somebody told me that this was how to get it.

"My advice is WANT IT! Cuz right now you're accepting everything too blandly. And the most fun people are those who view all of life as fun and hilarious with a hint of cynicism. You can choose to have more fun, adjust your head accordingly and jump right in."

So, here goes, this has been my moxiness for today!

For starters, I did my workout. I meditated while I drove back home from the Y, thinking about how I can relearn to open up to God. It's so hard for me to comprehend, even though at once in my life it used to be like breathing. I need to learn how to have real emotions again. I will learn. I will try my hardest. I will accept the fact that I can't control life, that I need to completely depend on God, while completely giving my all in striving towards Him. Completely surrender while at the same time never stop fighting. Ah, life is full of oxymorons!

I stopped by Wegmans (of course!) cause I needed... COCONUT OIL! FOR... Deodorant! It turned out great!! :) really happy about that!

And then daddy was out in the garden, bringing in loads upon loads of cukes, corn, and other various veggies! So now we're selling cukes, made some salsa, and now figuring out what else other than corn we'll have for dinner!

God is good to me...even when I don't realize it, or when I can't seem to feel it.

"Undo" by rush of fools. Good song, God is speaking to me through it, and my mind knows it, but my heart is still...ignoring it. Words bounce off...emotions get choked.

Slowly I'll get to the point where I"m totally dependent on God...until then, God please forgive me for who I am...I still love you, I want you...

I love you...come find me. Bring me some moxy.

"bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace...I need you and I need your help I can't do this myself, you're the only one who can undo what I've become"

With much love

~Delian Jayce