Thursday, December 04, 2008

Life has it's ups and downs... all you gotta do is roll with the punches.

It's one of my 'sayings' and I say it a lot. Right now though it either seems like I'm rolling a lot, or forgetting to and ending up with bloody noises and black eyes.

I know for a fact that I have a faithful God... who is in perfect and absolute control over my life...
I know that He loves me... unconditionally...
However, I know when I'm struggling, and I am... I feel like God's placed me in the rapids before I was conditioned and trained to swim to shore.

I know I need to rest in His grace... which is my source of strength... and I know I am not. It hurts to say, but I am not.

There are days when I am tired, downcast and feeling void of any good that I have done...
and I realize now, as I always do, that it's because I am resting on my own strength, not God's.

I know what my desires are... even though I am continually running after different things...
My first and foremost desire is GOD
My second are the people I love. My family, my friends.
I wish to help them... to see them through life...

but I am very selfish and both of these desires are difficult to fulfill... and it seems as if I have not been to any extent at all in the past few weeks.

I struggle with letting people help me... not because I don't want it... but because I continually dwell on the idea that I don't deserve it... not that that's what matters... its not like I deserve God either, and most of the time I am more than willing to lean on Him and let Him help me... but not other people. Why? Perhaps because I don't realize that God is using them to reach out to me... maybe because I don't realize that it might bless them to help me rather than 'bog them down'. (Which is one of my greatest struggles... I am in a continual state of scrutinizing myself, making sure I don't... bother people... specifically people I love). I think it's wrong to do this... and I'm not sure what to do to right my attitude.

Again... I know that I must rest in His grace...
but sometimes I wish that there was less resting and more training... so that when life decides to throw a punch, I know how to defend myself.

I want to desire God more than anything
and to do what He wants no matter what I feel

but right now I would love to be irrevocably in love with my Savior and to wish only to do His bidding... instead of getting caught up in my own little scruples.

1 comment:

Mattea K. said...

I know what you mean Dell. I've been feeling kinda sorta that way myself the past few weeks...well, longer than that but I've just only recently put some sort of name on the feeling. I just want.....so much more you know? A better relationship with my friends, family, and especially God. But then I get frustrated because, as a human....I'll never be able to get the "perfect relationship" with God. I'll never be wise enough to grasp His awesomeness....and yet how even though he is so awesome...he connects with me in a very personal way.....me, a dirty selfish sinful human whom he calls "precious daughter". Huh. Its simply over-awing. I guess I can't wait until Heaven when there won't be anything to keep me from enjoying him forever.....constantly growing in Him....and all that good stuff :)