Life has it's ups and downs... all you gotta do is roll with the punches.

It's one of my 'sayings' and I say it a lot. Right now though it either seems like I'm rolling a lot, or forgetting to and ending up with bloody noises and black eyes.

I know for a fact that I have a faithful God... who is in perfect and absolute control over my life...
I know that He loves me... unconditionally...
However, I know when I'm struggling, and I am... I feel like God's placed me in the rapids before I was conditioned and trained to swim to shore.

I know I need to rest in His grace... which is my source of strength... and I know I am not. It hurts to say, but I am not.

There are days when I am tired, downcast and feeling void of any good that I have done...
and I realize now, as I always do, that it's because I am resting on my own strength, not God's.

I know what my desires are... even though I am continually running after different things...
My first and foremost desire is GOD
My second are the people I love. My family, my friends.
I wish to help them... to see them through life...

but I am very selfish and both of these desires are difficult to fulfill... and it seems as if I have not been to any extent at all in the past few weeks.

I struggle with letting people help me... not because I don't want it... but because I continually dwell on the idea that I don't deserve it... not that that's what matters... its not like I deserve God either, and most of the time I am more than willing to lean on Him and let Him help me... but not other people. Why? Perhaps because I don't realize that God is using them to reach out to me... maybe because I don't realize that it might bless them to help me rather than 'bog them down'. (Which is one of my greatest struggles... I am in a continual state of scrutinizing myself, making sure I don't... bother people... specifically people I love). I think it's wrong to do this... and I'm not sure what to do to right my attitude.

Again... I know that I must rest in His grace...
but sometimes I wish that there was less resting and more training... so that when life decides to throw a punch, I know how to defend myself.

I want to desire God more than anything
and to do what He wants no matter what I feel

but right now I would love to be irrevocably in love with my Savior and to wish only to do His bidding... instead of getting caught up in my own little scruples.