This song equals me.

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
The "cool" is just how far we have to fall
And I'm not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to You, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only You are there to lead me on.

'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to You
It leads me to You
Closer to You

And I'll move,
and I'll move,
and I'll move,
Closer to You (x3)

I'm not alright I'm broken inside
Broken inside
I'm broken inside, Broken inside
And all I go through leads me to You
Leads me to You

I'm not alright, I'm not alright
I'm not alright

... that's why I need You.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2LCvCBaqVg&feature=avmsc2

My life in a nutshell:

Watching the kids since mum and Gideon are off in Baltimore.
(a) Gideon is doing very well! He has a blog up for those who want to check it out!
(b) Gabriel and DJ are doing pretty well, I mean they're little boys, so ya know! They can be a little crazy, even though they like to get cuddly with me so that they can watch a movie ;). Lol, actually that's not true, all I have to do is ask and they pretty much cuddle with me no matter what.
(c) Neeki has been top shelf! She's been great at watching the kids, helping cleaning, cooking and laundry! Huge props to her awesomeness!

I've also been working at the o'l HCUP
(a) I have almost ever saturday off until September!!! I have no idea how Ary did that but I totally love her for it!
(b) Espresso has been coming out amazingly the last few days.
(c) I'm pretty sure that if I have another creepy dream with Andy beating up people I'll have to beat him up.
(d) Ary is headed off on a missions trip to Prague for 10ish days! I'm so excited for her and praying that God uses that time for some really amazing growing!
(e) organic milk steams better than all other milk.

The boyfriend
(a) Josh is amazing. I'm not trying to be sappy, I'm saying this straightup. I can be a straight up B*@# to him and he's still there, loving me, being stern, telling me that I need to grow (he's learning that the only way I really listen is if he tells me I hurt him, otherwise I push it aside pretty easily), but he's still loving me everystep. He's my bestfriend with a couple of extra plus's ;). Like he can cuddle with me and watch amovie, and he can get me water and a blanket, or when I'm sick he makes sure I'm ok. He helps me with my relationship with God more than anyone! He's helping me more and more everyday to love God, and begin to really start loving other people too. And helping me to learn how to trust.
(b) he still needs to get abs ;). hahahaha just for you josh!

Extra Stuff
(a) Gardening
(b) Pickling Cucumbers. It's my first time doing anything like this before! It's going well so far minus the fact I ran out of vinegar lol.
(c) Painted some again
(d) hopefully going to do a photoshoot with Molly soon! <3 <3
(e) tomorrow I hang out with Jess before she finally gets to go to her hubby and start her new life! <3 <3


Music
(a) Muse
(b) Rise Again
(c) Anberlin
(d) Paramore some
(e) Radiohead!
(f) Metric
(g) Staind
(h) a bunch of other random stuff. Mostly Muse right now. :) :)


ok. that's all!
I'm out
;)
~Delian Jayce

PS Jim (the guy who is going to be putting together my modeling portfolio) is planning on coming to 'shoot' me soon! As soon as he gets senior pictures out of the way! I'm so excited, and really nervous! But It'll be great!!!

Dear World and its inhabitants,

Today I come forward with several questions (stop)

I ask, first, how do I survive? And not only just survive, but how do I thrive in this life?

Second, how do I stay balanced when everything is so toppy swervy?

And lastly, how do I help and love you? I want to, everyday, every second, but, I need to be able to act on those desires, but often I get stuck, how do I move forward and show that I care for you? Even if you don't care that I do?

Sincerely
~Delian Jayce

Learning Moments...and my thoughts about them!

Between the ages of, O, 2 and 17, I always remember having these "learning moments", moments when I did something (or someone else did) something so entirely stupid I was embarrassed (and sometimes I would feel sick to my stomach about it). It would affect me so much I would abhor the thought of doing it again! For instance, I can remember the time when it dawned on me that I was being RUDE to Joe St. Angelo when I was younger...and I was 'enlightened' in a sheer moment of embarrassment (within which I felt sick enough to throw up, I am not sure why that would happen), then I would try my hardest NEVER to be that way again! Another time I remember I accidentally hit somebody with my coat when I was putting it on, and this other person made such a big deal out of it that everyone in the room heard and some people came over to see what happened...and I think it did hurt this person, but I always remember thinking that I would do anything I could to ignore the pain someone else had accidentally inflicted upon me! I know I don't learn from these moments I've had perfectly...but I do learn!

However, I realized something, and it has been 're'dawning on me every so often...
I don't feel like I've been having those 'learning moments' as often anymore! And I WISH I DID! I don't feel like I'm...'growing up' anymore! AND I MISS IT! Cause I KNOW...I know for SURE, that there are SO many things in life I need to learn...and I want it to be CLEAR to myself...cause without those learning moments where I felt struck on the head and my eyes all the sudden saw a bigger piece of the picture, I forget that I need to learn something, or at least forget the necessity of it!

I'm trying to 'train' myself now to be open to those possible learning moments! I want to grow, I want to be ever learning, and always growing in the grace of God! In His strength, wisdom and knowledge! I want to be well learned in Love! Well prepared for anything God would have me do! A strong and able prayer warrior!

God continue teaching me
and PLEASE...please God,
open my heart to your lessons!

Dear World.

Summer is arriving! Finally! It makes me happy to know that the sunshine is going to be here for a little while!

I painted my nails greenish the other day...I thought it was...'watery'

I read about Esther this morning...she inspires me SO much! I mean, for real, she gets to the harem (where she has to go through 'beautifying' for 12 months!) and when she gets there the 'head guy' is like "wow! this chic is awesome!" and she wins favor with him for being such an awesome person! And then she is liked by everyone! Then the KING finds favor with her (after she takes the advice of the 'headguy') and she then finds favor with him two more times when she makes him dinner (seriously, making good food will...make a king give you half of his kingdom which happens to stretch as far as ASIA?!) Plus she makes her ARCH enemy HAMAN like her! Seriously what was this girl about?!
I have a feeling she was optimistic! Open to others advice (willing to listen). Humble (I mean you have to be if you're willing to listen to other people). I have a feeling she was able to look at the bright side of things. (PLUS she probably could cook, or at least had some great hospitality skills!) Including her bravery in the face of possible death (after having the strength to fast from food and drink for 3 days!) which also speaks amazingly of her prayer life! Not to mention her ability to lead by example since she had her maidens and friends also fast and pray!

A lot to be inspired by!
I hope that God makes me into a modern day Esther :) :)

water is enchanting...i can't help it...its so...magical. :)

Isn't it funny when something can be so much MORE fun after you do some hard work first!!! :) :) I didn't even do very much...but posting this post is SO much more rewarding since I did something first (which was cleaning up my Tipi) lol! Its super hot...I wish modesty didn't exist. O well. I suffer anyway.

I SUPER LOVE being a barista when the espresso is amazing! <3 Which it was today :) :) you all should have gotten some.

but hey. what is everyone doing for devotions??? How has God encouraged you lately?! <3 let me know!!!

I need to have great abs in 2 weeks. hahahahaha
h.e.l.p!

any tips or advice?!?!

I need to have great abs in 2 weeks. hahahahaha
h.e.l.p!

any tips or advice?!?!

Today I wrote a letter to my old self...apart of myself I feel like I've lost. I wrote to that 'me' and asked how to get her back. That part of me which was consistent, naturally happy and positive, stable and steadfast...that me who seemed to be growing instead of...stuck.
Cause I feel so stuck!
Then I get a kick in the throat when I think about all the advice I give to other people who are struggling with this as well...and how I am such a sore loser...I don't take my own advice! I don't go to the source of positivity for a positive spirit! I don't go to the Prince of Joy for happiness! I don't go to the One who knows who I can be and wants to help me be that person! I feel like laughing and crying! Why don't I? Do I doubt? Do I not know that He is COMPLETELY CAPABLE of breathing me into the best person He knows I can be...THROUGH HIM! O God...please breathe me into that being...

am I alone?
why when I call out I think I hear you
then the world brings me down
before I feel you pick me up?
am I running
or am I sleeping?
Have I awaken from this nightmare and begun to live it?
or is it safely placed in my mind?
cause even though it might tear me apart
its better that it only tears me apart
not the ones I love
do I love?
am I loved?
desperate questions whirling about in a despairing storm
can i be content just to love?
or should i fight to have it for myself as well?
do you scorn me?
do I scorn you?
where am I?
where are you?
am I alone...
or are you there?
do you despise me?
or do you love me for who I am?

I have gone through a lot in the last three years; betrayal, bitterness, learning real love, and trying to find out what the church really is. I will not go into details about what I've experienced since I am trying to love...even through my continuing hurt (and I do ask for prayer for that!).

But what I want to ask you today, for a discussion that can hopefully broaden everyone's mind and for us to really dig into what our true beliefs really are so that we can stand even more firm before each other and more importantly, before Christ.

What is the church?

How is it defined?

Where is it?

Can we experience it in a building only on Sundays?

How is it to be experienced?

What is our role in the church?

Is where most 'believers' meet (most well known for 'church') especially in America, set up in a way that is most beneficial to the people it impacts?

I don't want there to be any negative arguments, I don't need that and neither does anyone else. If what you have to say will build up another person towards Christ then please let it be said, otherwise, post on a different topic. Thank you everyone, I hope this can not only help me, but other people as well.

May God's love for me flow through me to you...

~jayci

Hey Hey Hey
This is for Tehya :P lol that's my way of spelling it from now on.
I have now moved into the library upstairs so that I don't have to live in the dungeon. lol. pretty excited about that! lol.
Life goes on...just had a crazy afternoon at work...Meara and I were going to go crazy and then Kasey came to save us. YAY!
lol. So awesome.

But yeah, life goes on...not doing a whole lot...I LOVE GUMMYBEARS...!!!!!!

Well, the sun is shining outside, I laid out on the porch and soaked up some sunshine... it helps :).

I don't really think a lot of people are going to read this... and that is fine by me :). Really, I just sort of want to rant and sort out my thoughts... knowing that God made me human, that I have human emotions and that God is still God and He loves me... and even if other people believe that I do not want to glorify God with my whole being... His thought is what matters. By saying that I don't mean to say that I don't think that people, by seeing me, would think that I was not trying to glorify God with my life, I surely hope that people DO see God... with every smile... every word and every breath I breathe!!! It's more of I have been accused of not glorifying God (without people asking me... or even talking to me), and people making assumptions about me that were (are) false. This is me saying I am sick of it... tired... hurt... and am seeking comfort. I need God... I have God. I am satisfied in Him... but I am sorting through my life and realizing that my emotions are NOT bad. They are reactions to what has happened to me... the problem comes in when I do not take it to God. This is me... admitting that I AM HUMAN... I HAVE EMOTIONS... and that YES I am seeking to give them to God. Whether or not you judge me for my emotions hardly matters. If you love me as a person... know me well enough to bring concerns to me that is fine... but if it is not done in love... your concern will fall on a wounded heart like burning oil. Sure, it might help... but it'll be more painful than if you had tenderly reached out with clean bandages and soft words.

I am hurt... hurt by what has happened to me and my family and those I hold dearly in my heart.
I am angry at what has happened... the WRONG things that have been done...
God has given me the ability to still love, but believe me, it hurts to love... and there is always a struggle to love... not because I do not want to... but when you go to love someone who continually strikes at you or what they did left such a scar that when you remember anything its like rubbing salt in the wound.
I am sad... incredibly sad that people could be the way they are... but who am I to judge? I am NOT. I know that without God I DO NOTHING good. "Every good gift and perfect gift comes from above." I am SAD. Not CONDEMNING. Do I NOT have a right to be sad over wrong doing?
My heart aches... is this wrong?

I can SEE when there is sin and wrong doing... can you call someone who has been stabbed in the back the victim? The one who 'has a certain perspective and doesn't know the whole story'?

I am praying... praying over and over again for love, hope, comfort.
Forgive me if I am being selfish for praying for the comfort first.

This is not a rant for me to get attention... it simply helps to 'get it out'

praying that God would lead me to the 'side of still waters'... where His grace and love and purity may pour over all of me.
Not so much for me... but for those I am affecting. I do not wish to bring you down... but to point you to Christ. Please pray that I would be restored... healed... so that instead of burdening you I may help you.

OOOO
wow. Its 9:15ish I am still in 'bed' (i have been sleeping in the library on the futon mattress).
Dem and I watched "return to me" last night. CUTE movie! =D. Definitely almost cried a million times through it... and laughed a million times more. hahaha.

This weekend was fun. We went to sparkle... hahahaha the 'vamp' event... were dem still found a billion of wolves. lol.
It was sooo cold! o my gosh, but worth it cause I laughed a lot and got to go on my date with Kaela! =D.

Let me tell you about Kaela. :). (don't get mad at me girl).
Kaela is a girl who has been growing into you a young woman as of late. Her jokes are hilarious, her attitude to die for (ok... play on words a little bit :P). The hugs she gives are priceless. And quite frankly I just love being around her! (also she plays piano amazingly well!!! Trust me, I went to her recital and pretended i was sitting on the bench next to her).

So I got to walk down market street with her and neeki and anna and abram and dem and schwa. (also, Anna took a horrible pic of me!). *sticks out tongue*

I got funnel cake... MMM wonderful!

Afterwards jarred dem and I had to wait outside on the curb while schwa took the e kids home. It was creepy. Crows flew above our heads... like... hundreds of crows, landing in the trees surrounding us. Definitely creepy. But fun :).

Sunday... oo sunday. lol.
I got up and immediately went to find Orleans (the best dog on the earth!) and found her out on the couch and sat down to cuddle with her and read my Bible. After reading my Bible I began reading the book I am going through.

Discussion during fellowship later however was great...
worship was mindblowing.
Everything we sang and all the words of encouragement seemed to be directed at me.
Especially one my mum read and i still can remember what she said that struck me hardest and almost moved me to tears.
"Be at peace in the purity His love has given you"

how can I be condemned in that???

Afterwards we played football. lol. little to no injuries and it was fun!! =D.
Also I felt very... uncordinated which was very weird...
i fell off the piano bench (which has NEVER happened)
and i tripped going up the stairs.
Whatever is wrong with me needs to stop now. lol. i did not like it.

In any case. I need to get a headstart on today.

breathinf for the glory of God.

~del

Life has it's ups and downs... all you gotta do is roll with the punches.

It's one of my 'sayings' and I say it a lot. Right now though it either seems like I'm rolling a lot, or forgetting to and ending up with bloody noises and black eyes.

I know for a fact that I have a faithful God... who is in perfect and absolute control over my life...
I know that He loves me... unconditionally...
However, I know when I'm struggling, and I am... I feel like God's placed me in the rapids before I was conditioned and trained to swim to shore.

I know I need to rest in His grace... which is my source of strength... and I know I am not. It hurts to say, but I am not.

There are days when I am tired, downcast and feeling void of any good that I have done...
and I realize now, as I always do, that it's because I am resting on my own strength, not God's.

I know what my desires are... even though I am continually running after different things...
My first and foremost desire is GOD
My second are the people I love. My family, my friends.
I wish to help them... to see them through life...

but I am very selfish and both of these desires are difficult to fulfill... and it seems as if I have not been to any extent at all in the past few weeks.

I struggle with letting people help me... not because I don't want it... but because I continually dwell on the idea that I don't deserve it... not that that's what matters... its not like I deserve God either, and most of the time I am more than willing to lean on Him and let Him help me... but not other people. Why? Perhaps because I don't realize that God is using them to reach out to me... maybe because I don't realize that it might bless them to help me rather than 'bog them down'. (Which is one of my greatest struggles... I am in a continual state of scrutinizing myself, making sure I don't... bother people... specifically people I love). I think it's wrong to do this... and I'm not sure what to do to right my attitude.

Again... I know that I must rest in His grace...
but sometimes I wish that there was less resting and more training... so that when life decides to throw a punch, I know how to defend myself.

I want to desire God more than anything
and to do what He wants no matter what I feel

but right now I would love to be irrevocably in love with my Savior and to wish only to do His bidding... instead of getting caught up in my own little scruples.

Hi. I'm gonna try to get back to this world. I miss it. :)

Today has been a rough day... but God has decided to humble me by using words I have already spoken to speak to me. How amazing!

I was looking back on all that I had written on this blog (ok, so not everything :P I wrote a lot). And I was so encouraged to see all the ways He helped me to focus on Him throughout so many years of my life. :).

Psalm 25 has come back up in my life :). So its always been there, but hey :P. Its my favorite so there! lol.

25:1 To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
2 O my God, in you I trust;
let me not be put to shame;
let not my enemies exult over me.
3 Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame;
they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.

4 Make me to know your ways, O Lord;
teach me your paths.
5 Lead me in your truth and teach me,
for you are the God of my salvation;
for you I wait all the day long.

6 Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love,
for they have been from of old.
7 Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions;
according to your steadfast love remember me,
for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!

8 Good and upright is the Lord;
therefore he instructs sinners in the way.
9 He leads the humble in what is right,
and teaches the humble his way.
10 All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness,
for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.

11 For your name's sake, O Lord,
pardon my guilt, for it is great.
12 Who is the man who fears the Lord?
Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose.
13 His soul shall abide in well-being,
and his offspring shall inherit the land.
14 The friendship [2] of the Lord is for those who fear him,
and he makes known to them his covenant.
15 My eyes are ever toward the Lord,
for he will pluck my feet out of the net.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
bring me out of my distresses.
18 Consider my affliction and my trouble,
and forgive all my sins.

19 Consider how many are my foes,
and with what violent hatred they hate me.
20 Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!
Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness preserve me,
for I wait for you.

22 Redeem Israel, O God,
out of all his troubles.

My prayer is that I would be continually reminded of His sovereignty over my life and everyone's around me! That I am to rest and act in His grace and sovereignty... given to me by His love!

How I LOVE MY GOD.


Now i need to find all you people that still live here...
PS. Hoser is still one of my favorite words... lol.

Hi everyone
pretty much
I have a facebook
and its easier... lol. :)

ahahahaha.
Mattea
don't bet that I haven't updated kk?
hey yall
once again its been a while. Does anyone here have a facebook?

So yes. To answer Damaris. I would love to e-mail you...and i believe i have your e-mail. i shall have to check!
and two. Courtney and Damaris I am desiring to go to NA... I still have to talk to daddy about it. =D!
and...if you have anything you desperatly need to tell me...via blog would not be very quick. sorry yall!
So yes...
life goes on! God is amazing!
and hopefully I talk to everyone sometime!
love yall
~del